The spring of 2003 was a tough one for me. My wife was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation for cancer. We fought a war and being a news-freak I continually filled my mind with violent images and the constant national debate that followed the operation. The stock market was still in the toilet and my retirement along with it. A hobby-project to put a 350 Chevy engine into an old Jaguar had gone astray. I had problems with an individual that wouldn’t go away. Worst of all, the heavens seemed as brass. Scripture seemed to offer no hope and my prayers only deepened the pain I felt.

At A Total Loss
Everything came to a head in April. The crisis began on a Sunday evening and lasted until Tuesday afternoon. Five “problems” kept recycling through my brain like a television set that would only play five commercials over and over. I didn’t sleep for two nights and feared I was losing my mind. It turned out to be the best experience of my life.

Because of the crisis, and after the doctor put me on medication to stop the overflow of adrenelin. When I calmed down, I found myself re-examining my confidence in God. I found that I had very little. The Bible says “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he…” (Proverbs 27:3 KJV). A lot of reflection brought me to the conclusion that I had fillled my mind with too much worldly knowledge and not enough of God’s thoughts. An avid reader, I often read three books at a time and sometimes finish four or five in a week. Too many of what I had been reading focused on subjects like church growth, leadership or business. Most were written as “tips and techniques.” Though they often gave lip-service to God’s power. But by not overtly teaching of his power, their effect was tantamount to denying it.

Over the years, my reading affected my teaching in church without me even noticing it. I would “spiritualize” or generalize long passages of scripture without looking for specific words of truth and direction. Take Luke 2:18-19 for instance. To me that simply meant that Jesus came to do good things and bring salvation. Now, I see several specific mission statements in that passage. Each requires heaven’s interaction or nothing will happen.

A Worthy Vow
In the midst of my pain, I made a vow: I would read no books on church growth, leadership or business for one year. I’ve kept the vow and I’ve kept on reading. I read Waking the Dead by John Eldridge five times in thirteen months. I have gone through over eighty books dealing with the Holy Spirit, prayer, warfare against demonic powers, etc. Some were downright silly. Most bore a message I deeply needed.

A born cynic, I used to doubt the sanity or wisdom of some of the authors on the list which I have enclosed. I now humbly embrace them as brothers who have simply walked a different road than I have. I want to learn from them, even if I will probably never emulate their style or vocabulary. I am undergoing a spiritual awakening that, in turn, is awakening our church to signs and wonders.

A New Paradigm
Whatever you put into your mind is what will guide your life. Mine has completely changed. I’ve rediscovered Jesus as the builder of the church. My staff are thrilled that I went through the crisis because I no longer bring “a great new idea a week” into staff meeting. We have grown much more focused and I am a much gentler leader. We now pray together for up to two hours before doing the other stuff you usually associate with a staff meeting. We use our own problems and sicknesses as a prayer-lab for what we want to bring to the general congregation. We try to “live” the scriptures and view every new experience as an experiment–it is OK to make mistakes while we learn to walk in the power and leadership of the Spirit. Our congregation is growing numerically and the offerings are very healthy–it seems that our members were patiently waiting for their pastor to catch up to them in spiritual growth for a long time. Many possess wonderful spiritual gifts that they suppressed for years in deference to the general climate and paradigm of the church. They were holding back out of submission to me. These spiritual gifts are currently beginning to show up in strong and surprising ways.

We often engage in prolonged prayer (ten minutes) in small circles during our weekend services. Our people are taking prayer into their law offices, hospitals, shops and to the streets. People are healed, businesses experience unexpected success, demons have been driven out of afflicted people, and our community is changing in response to very specific “target-prayers.”

Much of what is happening is the result of a paradigm shift. I’ve stopped thinking as a “Christian Humanist” and begun thinking as a Christian. Our church is rediscovering it’s spiritual foundation and the power of the Spirit because the pastor is searching out that foundation and the power that accompanies it. I feel much like I did when I was about 26 years old and the Jesus Movement was breaking out all around me–there was power, it was working, I didn’t fully understand it but I embraced it.

The Wave Has Yet To Break
We have a long way to go. We are still paddling, the swell is still building, the wave won’t break for awhile longer. But, we can already feel the force of the wave. I feel humbled and excited all at once. God shows himself stronger every week. I feel smaller, but more loved every day. His kindness is overflowing and we don’t quite know what to do about it. But we will learn…

I’ve enclosed a reading list on “signs and wonders” at the end of this article. These are the best twenty-five percent of the books I’ve read during the past year. The first book on the list, I’ve read five times, given away dozens of copies and read it in concert with my staff. The last is a daily devotional written during the 1940s that eerily foreshadows the stuff the more radical authors on the list put out (That book was written by C.S. Lewis, just in case all of you who fear or dislike the Peter Wagners or Benny Hinns of this world are interested).

I hope the list is beneficial. Moreso, I hope those of you that are seeking the fame of “success” will learn to differentiate between a marketing program and a move of the Spirit. Once you’ve tasted the latter, you will never feel quite comfortable with the former.

A Reading List
Here is my list:
Waking The Dead by John Eldridge
Anointed For Business by Ed Silvoso
Restoring Your Shield of Faith by Chuck D. Pierce & Robert Heidler
Speaking Hammer by Evelyn Thompson & Mari Hanes (foursquare.org/resources)
Christianity With Power by Charles Kraft
Confronting Powerless Christianity by Charles Kraft
Seven Things They Didn’t Teach Me In Seminary by Peter Wagner
John Wimber: The Way It Was by Carol Wimber
Power Healing by John Wimber
Power Evangelism by John Wimber
Good Morning Holy Spirit by Benny Hinn
The Quest For The Radical Middle: A History Of The Vineyard by Bill Jackson
Hearing God by Dallas Willard
Out Of Africa by Peter Wagner & Joseph Thompson
Overcoming Unbelief by Neil Anderson
Warfare Prayer by Peter Wagner
A Year With C.S. Lewis by C. S. Lewis